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From the Attic Reflection

Holding Onto the Past

First day of holiday, woke up at half past eight.  Kind of a record.  Couldn’t get hot water from the hot water tap hence called the reception.  Apparently the lady didn’t understand English that well and thought I wanted breakfast instead.  What a joke!  Luckily, the “manager” (owner) was there and he asked me to try the cold water tape and it worked!

Very French breakfast and I headed for the Tourist Information.  Not much help in there and the conclusion is that you really need a car to get by.  So, with my camera, I walked towards the beach area.  The sky was still quite cloudy and therefore I couldn’t get any decent picture at all.  What a shame.  I walked along the coast watching lovers and families walking passed me.  What a shit feeling.  And I remember those good old days back in North Whales (apparently quite the same month) two years ago.  In my shabby Cherry, but it ran!  And JP. She was with me. When we were at the Caravan Site, one day we took a walk along the beach.  She was so beautiful and we picked up shells.  What a loving scene.  And it is so hard to forget!  I can’t get over this.  No, I can’t.  I keep asking myself to be strong and just have to accept that this is reality and it is over.

And we took a lot of good pictures at the beach.  She knew I love the beach.  I always do.  Watching the waving coming towards you really makes your heart flies!  At least mine does.  Always does.  Too much feeling.  Too intense.

And I climbed (back to Deauville) over some rocks, stuck my shoes into a pool of mud once.  Jumping over large big rocks.  That made me feel as though life is sometimes up and down and somehow or another, you will come across some very difficult situation.

I reached another town, feeling kind of hungry.  Therefore I walked into an Italian Restaurant.  Ordered a cheese and tomato as starter, spaghetti as main course, red wine and coffee.  The lady was very sweet so I left ten franc as tips.  The music was good and I asked them what it was.  They showed me the casing and it read, Neil Young – Harvest.  I am going to get that album.

And I walked all the way back to Deauville.  Too many flashbacks.  I kept on thinking of JP and all the “Could Have”.  All the history with no future.  She has changed so much.  Maybe I have changed as well.  What can I do?  Precisely.  Annie said time heals.  But I feel as though it hurts deeper and deeper each day.  Why?  I thought of phoning her just to ask how has she been but then I was afraid that she would not be at home.  She never does.

I planed for an afternoon nap (with Mylene Farmer’s music on) but it turned out to be a three hours long sleep.  And I swear I dreamt of JP again.  No, No, No.  Please. Somebody help me!

Worst of all, the mail server stopped responding.  It is just too sad in here.  I want to go back to Paris!  I want to watch a show instead of “enjoying” the loneliness all by myself.  Too much for me to bear and what have I done to deserve this?

I kept saying “I love you”.  But why?  So very confusing.  Part of my heart really hope that we can get back together.  After all, I still hope that she will regret and come back to me.  It is so easy to say but so hard to do.  Part of me knows that she is not the one for me.  And I am so lost, so lost and so lost.  I really have no aim no more.

I imagine that one day she will approach me with all the hi how are you.  Beautiful sweet smile in her best dress.  And she will ask me to transfer my name of the HDB application to her fiancé.  I will do it.  Anything for her but can I do it now instead of letting this haunting me all the time?

(After a diner at yet another Italian Restaurant)

Okay, I have thought about this.  At first, I was physically attracted (she was so feminine) and mentally (she seemed to understand me) attracted to her.  But as time goes by, she no longer satisfied my inner desire, the desire to be understood and to be cared for.  That, is replaced by history for I always hold on to the past.  That is it.

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Diary From the Attic

Mend a Broken Heart at Deauville?

Last night, I spent the whole night packing up for my holiday in North of France, Normandy – Deauville.  Nicolas suggested to me two weeks ago and Claude and Nicolas helped me to buy the train ticket and booked the hotel.  They are really nice to me.

This morning I woke up at six and ended up sitting in the hotel for an hour waiting for the clock to strike nine (time to work).

When the clock hit five thirty, Willie, Claude and me left the office.  I took a SNCF to St. Lazare.  And then took a train from St. Lazare to Trouville Deuville.  It was a two hour trip.  Still remember the first time I took the Inter City in UK. Similar experience.  Come to think of it, it was eight years ago.  Time passed.  Eight years …

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Diary From the Attic

Remembering the Small Details Is Not Pretty

Today, everybody in the office felt like Friday, except today was not Friday.  It was Wednesday instead.  Had a long phone conversation with Grace last night and feel kind of a little bit better.  I do need friend.  And today, I received one message from Erica (Sam’s wife) and she is ever so positive.  I definitely feel a lot better.

Didn’t know that Grace had a 5 years relationship with an Irish.  Went to a Jewish restaurant with her and the food was not very impressive.  As always, had a very long walk with her.  Really lost track of time.

What else?  Busy sorting out the bills for the time report.

Do I still think of JP?  Yes, from time to time.  Sometimes remembering the small details is not pretty.  I really miss her.  Is it love due to obsession?  I think so.

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From the Attic

My Paris Collection – Love Mythology

God took a piece of Himself and blend it well with Beauty. For Love shall be the most beautiful angel of His. Like river flows to the ocean, God blessed Love with Eternity. In the daytime, God has given Love the element of Joy. And in the nighttime, He has given her the element of Feeling, Tender and Care. He then brewed His great art in the fire of Passion, breathed her with the breathe of Intelligence and Respect. Fire, water, earth and ether; passion, eternity, beauty, intelligence and respect. Night and day with feeling, tender, care and joy. Love was completed with six elements of nature.

Adversary as he should be, Lucifer created his own version of Love too. He called her Lust. He made her out of Seduction. Eroticism and Obsession, as for the elements of Fire and Water. And he breathed her with Madness. Envy for the morning and Jealousy at night. Lust was too completed with six elements of nature.

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From the Attic Memorable Events

Will I be Ever In Love Again?

I am back again.  After a long silence.  Yes, I have broken up with JP. And I was (still?) feeling very depressed about this.  Oh, love.  Francis phoned me the same day just to check I was okay.  He phoned at 0630 but I did not mind.  At least somebody is care about me.  And I received a few emails concerning about me.

This morning, I found that the bracelet that was given by JP was broken into two.  I take it as a sign.  That is fate.

During this few days, I have watched two movies.  “Jerry Maguire” and “The English Patient”. Both films are good.  I loved “Jerry Maguire”.  That is Tom Cruse and it was so romantic.  That is what I need right now.  Michel invited me for dinner and I meet with that “Doctor” again.  This time we talked about God and soul and life and so on.  Weird?

I don’t think JP and I will ever get together again.  Just another phase of life.  I cannot help feeling depressed but I cannot help but feeling relief as well.  Some days I hoped that she will actually come to Paris and meet me and we will be in love again.  But I know it is just another dream that I am trying to create and will not work.  Sigh.

And I have lost all aim of life.  I am not sure what is my next destination.  I was thinking of going back to university and do a Ph.D.  Why not?  Or I shall ask Toby and get me a job in UK.  I can do just anything now.

Will I be ever in love in the near future?  I just don’t know.  Maybe I shall enjoy a moment of alone.

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From the Attic

My Paris Collection – Fire of Love

Fire flickers. Candle burns. Full moon and a hint of cloud in the sky. The lake is bathed with the peaceful moonlight. Not even the moon disturbs her. Swans sleep in tranquillity. Little ducks land onto the lake making a thin lines of decoration. Perfect silence. Image of the mountain clearly reflects itself onto this seductive mirror. Losing orientation and let it be. Such a beautiful scene.

Illusion as it shall be. Magic may one calls. Flame of love grows from within the lake. As Love emerges from the fire, standing elegantly on the middle of this magical mirror. A ballad begins to play. Orchestra plays in the dark. Wrap herself with the whitest silk in the universe. And the purest garment that exists. Surround herself by the swans, and the swans turn into a lady one by one. The agents of Love. Pray to the Fire of Love. Pray to the Goddess of Moon.

Fire flickers. Candle burns. And you know how to summon Love, don’t you?

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From the Attic

My Paris Collection – Spanish Dance

As the fan spins slowly tuning itself to the Spanish music, it spins the fate and destiny of all the lovers below. Chaos and patterns all dance with the Spanish guitar. Lovers come and lovers go.

Love is beautiful. Love represents eternal youth. She is a dream. A mixture of reality and illusion.

Dance with her, as your body synchronizes with the wonderful ambient. Attuning yourself to the Spanish rhythm.

Sing with her, as her voice embraces you with the magic of love. Abandon yourself to Love’s temptation.

For Love shall accept no ownership. For Love shall be admired from a distance. You can see her but you cannot hug her. And to feel but shall not be touched.

But be patience. Next time you hear the Spanish guitar, remember to dance. And if your are under the fan, don’t forget to kiss. For it is a blessing from the Wheel of Fate.

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From the Attic My Favorite

My Paris Collection – Appendix : Death Marriage

For Love shall bath herself in the pool of misery. The Devil shall show its face. No pyramid shall stand in this red storm from the north. Or the sand storm in the desert. Let the pyramids be sunk into the heart of the dryness. There will be no angel and no chorus in the sky. The sun burns so fiercely. And no creature, with heart and blood, shall live in its darkness. Watch out for the army of Devil.

If Love shall purify herself with her grand sacrifice. With the mouths of the monsters open wide. Ready to swallow the dreams of the universe. The music will continue. As Love jumps into the heat of the volcano. Or shall Love be embraced by the raging ocean? With the lonely lighthouse as the only witness?

Ding, ding, ding. The bell of hell rings. If Love shall crucify herself, what can the angels tell? Fire of the burning hell. The marriage of Love to Death. And Death will turn Love, into bone and dust. Rape, as it seems. Taste the virgin blood of Love. And God shall sleep, as He always does. Indifferent to the act of the evil. Indifferent to the cry of Love. Love survived the curse of the Pandora Box, why can’t she survive this time?

As the Devil feasts on Love. Consuming the dreams of the universe. The Devil laughs so ugly. Hell stinks so bad. As they dissipate the last energy of God’s angel, as they raise those innocent eyeballs up in the air. And they turn Love into a horrid skull. Dancing round the fire they dance and dance. Screaming those curses they linger in the sky. Not a chance. Not a chance.

And this shall engrave on the tombstone of Love.

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Concert From the Attic

No Doubt Concert

No Doubt Concert Tonight.

At 1730, I left the office quietly.  Rushing back to my hotel and got changed.  Stepped out of my hotel at 1740 and reached La Cigale just after six.  Funny thing was I didn’t see a lot of people outside La Cigale.  And there was a notice (French) outside saying L’Olympic something something.  I was kind of panic, don’t even know where the hell is L’Olympic.

Lucky, I saw three girls (and a guy) who spoke English.  I introduced myself and one of them (actually all the girls) spoke French.  And they found out that L’Olympic was somewhere near Opera.  Bon!

The pretty one was called Liz.  Not a slim type but with a very pretty face and a very American accent.  Her boyfriend (it seems) was called Jason.  Another two girls, one was called Rebeca and the other was called N something.  They were impressed that I came from Oxford and worked in Andersen Consulting.  Hey, no big deal.  Please.

Sadly, I missed them when the concert started.  That’s life.

At first I stood kind of quite far away from the band. (The concert hall was small anyway.)  I was so worried that I would not be able to see them as the guys in front of me seemed to be quite tall.  Just when the show started, everybody was pushing forward.  I grabbed the chance and dashed myself forward as well.  No, it was not tough to get in front.  What so tough was to remain there.  Everyone was pushing and jumping (real jumping) and every round, there would be a group of persons fell onto the ground.  I was so worried that I would fall down and being stepped onto.  After two and a half song, I gave up and retrieved all the way back.  People were really jumping mad.

No Doubt was just great.  Although some of the songs in the middle of the show was kind of unfamiliar to me but hey, I enjoyed it.  (Got to say I was very hungry, thirsty and tired in that order).  The lead singer seemed very girlie and there were a lot of flowers on the stage.  I just loved her.

So I came back, feeling very week and ordered room service. It was worth it.

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Diary From the Attic

So I Pissed Off the Whole World

Today I ended up making everybody angry.  Firstly, Sophie has arranged a “get together” dinner for me but sad to say, I have forgotten that “No Doubt” concert is tomorrow as well.  I can tell that she is very angry.  She told me that she hoped the concert is worth it.  Damn me.  Damn her.

And Lionel said that my status report is too rough on him.  I just said that in the future, the Function Team better make up their own mind on what to fix.  That is it.

And Aurore is not happy the way I address the issue regard on knowledge transfer.  Well, I wanted more support and they never give it to me.  I have to do it, you know.

Still waiting desperately for JP’s letter.  Just an answer, yes or no.  As simple as that.  My mind really hurts and I cannot focus at all.

Guess what?  I have forgotten my Mum’s birthday on the 16th.  It was yesterday.  I think I have really hurt her.  I am sure my Dad and Sister suffer because of my forgetfulness.

Oh god, what has happened to me?  At least I become in good term with Mohamed again, which is good.