Holding Onto the Past


First day of holiday, woke up at half past eight.  Kind of a record.  Couldn’t get hot water from the hot water tap hence called the reception.  Apparently the lady didn’t understand English that well and thought I wanted breakfast instead.  What a joke!  Luckily, the “manager” (owner) was there and he asked me to try the cold water tape and it worked!

Very French breakfast and I headed for the Tourist Information.  Not much help in there and the conclusion is that you really need a car to get by.  So, with my camera, I walked towards the beach area.  The sky was still quite cloudy and therefore I couldn’t get any decent picture at all.  What a shame.  I walked along the coast watching lovers and families walking passed me.  What a shit feeling.  And I remember those good old days back in North Whales (apparently quite the same month) two years ago.  In my shabby Cherry, but it ran!  And JP. She was with me. When we were at the Caravan Site, one day we took a walk along the beach.  She was so beautiful and we picked up shells.  What a loving scene.  And it is so hard to forget!  I can’t get over this.  No, I can’t.  I keep asking myself to be strong and just have to accept that this is reality and it is over.

And we took a lot of good pictures at the beach.  She knew I love the beach.  I always do.  Watching the waving coming towards you really makes your heart flies!  At least mine does.  Always does.  Too much feeling.  Too intense.

And I climbed (back to Deauville) over some rocks, stuck my shoes into a pool of mud once.  Jumping over large big rocks.  That made me feel as though life is sometimes up and down and somehow or another, you will come across some very difficult situation.

I reached another town, feeling kind of hungry.  Therefore I walked into an Italian Restaurant.  Ordered a cheese and tomato as starter, spaghetti as main course, red wine and coffee.  The lady was very sweet so I left ten franc as tips.  The music was good and I asked them what it was.  They showed me the casing and it read, Neil Young – Harvest.  I am going to get that album.

And I walked all the way back to Deauville.  Too many flashbacks.  I kept on thinking of JP and all the “Could Have”.  All the history with no future.  She has changed so much.  Maybe I have changed as well.  What can I do?  Precisely.  Annie said time heals.  But I feel as though it hurts deeper and deeper each day.  Why?  I thought of phoning her just to ask how has she been but then I was afraid that she would not be at home.  She never does.

I planed for an afternoon nap (with Mylene Farmer’s music on) but it turned out to be a three hours long sleep.  And I swear I dreamt of JP again.  No, No, No.  Please. Somebody help me!

Worst of all, the mail server stopped responding.  It is just too sad in here.  I want to go back to Paris!  I want to watch a show instead of “enjoying” the loneliness all by myself.  Too much for me to bear and what have I done to deserve this?

I kept saying “I love you”.  But why?  So very confusing.  Part of my heart really hope that we can get back together.  After all, I still hope that she will regret and come back to me.  It is so easy to say but so hard to do.  Part of me knows that she is not the one for me.  And I am so lost, so lost and so lost.  I really have no aim no more.

I imagine that one day she will approach me with all the hi how are you.  Beautiful sweet smile in her best dress.  And she will ask me to transfer my name of the HDB application to her fiancé.  I will do it.  Anything for her but can I do it now instead of letting this haunting me all the time?

(After a diner at yet another Italian Restaurant)

Okay, I have thought about this.  At first, I was physically attracted (she was so feminine) and mentally (she seemed to understand me) attracted to her.  But as time goes by, she no longer satisfied my inner desire, the desire to be understood and to be cared for.  That, is replaced by history for I always hold on to the past.  That is it.


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