From the Attic Music Reviews

Album Reviews

Hi Guys,

When was the last time when you walked into MPH, found a lot of unheard CDs and wondering what to buy ? When was the last time you deeply regret of buying a trash CD that you probably throw it into the cupboard and never want to listen to it again ?

Not to worry, your friend here has spent a lot a lot of non-chargeable hours and has sampled the most popular CDs in town. If you do find the review useful, please feel free to donate some cash and of course, it will be for charity purposes. To help those poor chaps who are addicted in CD buying.

The first album I wish to talk about is not at all a chart album. Well, got to admit that not all the good albums are chart albums. It is from Belinda Carisle, the tile of the album is “A Man & A Woman”. Remember “Heaven is a Place on Earth”, “Circle in the Sand”, “Little Black Box” and “Summer Rain”? Well you can say she belongs to the 80s. Even her last few albums were not at all fantastic. But you got to check this new album out. Take a listen to “In Too Deep” and  “Always Breaking My Heart”. You will see what I mean. She’s back and back with the old style. Even the cover photo looks a lot better.

How about Sheryl Crow? I know you all heard of “If It Makes You Happy” (or something like that). But doesn’t it sound too much like Alanis Morrissette? Take a look at the MTV and you know what I mean. Personally I have no affection towards Sheryl Crow. She should have gone back to her last album style (“Tuesday Night Club”, I think). I forced myself listening the whole album and found that all the songs sound pretty much like “If It Makes You Happy”. That is, pretty trashed.

And we have our Iceland Babe, Bjork. The new album called, “Telegram”. Solid bass and is potentially dangerous to eardrums. Checkout the powerful overdrive. Surprisingly not a lot of singing. Sometime like a remix album. Sad to say my eardrums refuse to scan through the whole album. Therefore no further comment.

Okay, if you want some New Age music, we have the ENIGMA 3 and the album is called “Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi!”. If you like their first album and if you like their second album, certainly you will love this latest one. I would say the first album carries more characteristics (good for medication). The second one is more aggressive and more religious (“I love you I’ll kill you”). As for this new album, seems to me the ENIGMA bass is still there but we have lost the ENIGMA flute. Wonder why. There are more singing and choirs. Oh, by the way, check out the sleeve design. Instead of the ordinary paper, they use super high quality plastic-paper (transparent). Collector’s item.

Another lady singer. This time is Neneh Cherry. Album is simply called, “Man”. For those of you immediate ask: Who is she ? You must have heard of “7 Seconds” when she sang with a Non-English speaking Guy. It was a big hit and is in this album as well. Another song sounds similar to “7 Seconds” is “Woman”. I believe that this is actually the chart breaker. Strong lyrics with immense feeling, “But I’m the kinda woman, that was built to last … In this Godless land, that delivered me. I’ve cried so many tears even the blind can see.” Besides all these slow killers, we do have some faster one like “Hornbeam”. An album with a wide variety.

Spice Girls – “Spice”. Do I really need to say more ? Two singles  taking the 2nd and 3rd position in French Chart in the same week. The last time I saw this miracle was during the Take That era.

3T – “Brotherhood”. Confusing enough, they are TAJ Jackson, Taryll Jackson and TJ Jackson (hence 3T, I suppose.). And the only thing I know about them is they are very closely related to Michael Jackson. (Even appear in their MTV). Hit songs include “Why” and “I need you”. Be warned. Although these singles are very good, the album seems to be otherwise. Personally I don’t really like the whole album, do check out yourself.

Now it’s one of my favorite song “Virtual Insanity” by Jamiroquai. The MTV was wonderfully filmed. (With the lead singer dancing in a small white room. The floor was moving in all kind of direction with a sofa placed in the middle of the room.) The album I think is called, “Travel Without Moving”. But sad to say if you expect to hear anything like “Virtual Insanity”, you will not be able to find any. Not even close to it. I think it’s quite funky though.

A new two lady group, Alisha’s Attic, with their hit song “I Am I feel”. One blond and one red headed. I would say this chart breaker is indeed something but sad to say, the album is just trash. Still remember the beautiful ballad “Independent love song” by Scarlet (2 ladies as well)? Same destiny.

If you fancy some kind of adventure. Try the “A Tribute to Queen – Dragon Attack”. I was quite impressed with the outcome. Sang by all the hard rockers like, The Door and Motorhead and so on. Got to say that Queen’s music is classic and a change in style is always welcome. But as I listened through the whole album (we have “I Want It All”, “We’ll Rock you” and “We Are the Champion”) I really missed the real stuff, i.e. the real Freddy voice. All in all, it is a great tribute.

You must have heard of the Garbage. Take my word, they are great. Of course  you must be able to take medium rock music in order to be able to appreciate this great work. I just need to name a few like “Queer”, “Only Happy When It Rains” and “Stupid Girl”. Are you sure you have never heard of them ? From “Queer”, “… the queerest of the queer … the coldest of the cool … the strangest of the strange … the deadest of the dead … the blindest of the blind … ”.

It’s Christmas right ? Okay, get yourself the Michael Bolton new CD. I am just aware that it is in the market but I am confident with his standard (the strong male vocal). If you are shopping for a Christmas CD, go and buy it.

Has anyone heard of Fiona Apple ? If you listen to the advertisement, you may feel compile to buy her CD. “… My name is Fiona Apple … My songs are … Love … Feeling … Violence “ In fact it may be right that the lyrics are deep with meanings but personally I can only find 2 to 3 good melody songs in the album, “Tidal”. Her voice is not my type.

Van Halen greatest hit. I do love their new songs, especially their latest album “Balance”. I believe that they only get really popular with the “Balance” album. If you already have the “Balance” album, forget about the greatest hit.

Remember the Bangles (“Eternal Flame”)? Well one of their lead singer Susanna has come out a solo album. I listened to it and can’t even find one single nice song.

o)+> or Prince, “Emancipation”. The chart breaker “Betcha By Golly Wow!” is undoubtedly one of his best creation. And you will find plenty of this type throughout his 3 CDs, like “Soul Sanctuary”, “The Holy River”, “Friend, Lover, Sister, Mother/Wife” and “The Love We Make”. A lot of funky music inside as well (just like his old style – Purple Rain). Strange enough, Joan Osborne’s hit “One of Us” is in the album as well. I believe it is written by him. As he is famous of writing songs to other artists not under his name. Like “The Manic Monday”, “Nothing compares to you” and a lot more.

There are also two old albums that I have acquired lately. It is really a gem to hard rockers. They are the Hole. Lead singer (guitarist as well) Courtney Love, was married to Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. The two albums are called “Pretty on the inside” and “Live through this”. Highly acclaimed albums. With powerful and sensitive lyrics as well. Checkout the lyric of the song “Pretty on the inside”

“slut kiss girl won’t you promise her smack
  is she pretty on the inside
  is she pretty from the back
  slut kiss girl won’t you water her rack
  is she pretty on the inside
  is she pretty from the back
  dead moon girl, molasses rot black strap
  is she rotten on the inside
  ugly from the back ?
  my pretty power

No wonder Kurt Cobain has to shot himself (Just kidding, the real reason is because he felt trapped and he saw no way out of his career).

Just wonder how many of you has actually got this far. Perhaps just me.

Anyway, take care and let’s rock!

From the Attic Memorable Events

Spice Girls – LIVE!

“Show-Room” Concert
Place – Virgin Mega Store, Champs Elysees.
Time – 10th Dec. 20:00

As you all know that I have too much free time to waste and my particular sensitivity towards music, I come to know that Spice Girls will be in Paris during this week.

If you have seen the MTV on their number one hits “Wannabe” and “Say you’ll be there”, you must realise that they are quite a team. 5 “fully-active” ladies will different styles.

To add more “fun” in this Email, guess where they actually emerged into the stage.

The Virgin Mega Store is 3-stories high. Knowing that for this kind of big event, you need to get there really early (Still remember the day when we actually spent 10hrs standing before the Bon Jovi Concert began, just to get to the first 10 rows) After work, I quickly packed everything up and rushed to Champs Elysees. Arrived at 7:00pm, got a standing place at the Stairs. Waited for one hour and the Spice Girls were late for 40 minutes.

There were at least 1,000 people in Virgin Store (fully packed). Believe me, I have got more than one hour to do the head count. Behind me was a group of lunatic young girls, shouting “Girl Power” all the time. Screaming all they could out of their ***king brains.

And they came down from the see-through Elevator. Everybody was in ecstasy ! Believe me, there are great women. I could actually see their faces clearly ! First song was of course, “Wannabe”. Then we had 5 more songs and the last song was indeed, “Wannabe” again. They were great Stage Performers. The French Girls behind actually knew every line of the songs. Unbelievable !

Come to think of this, we have the super-popular Take-That (history already), East-17 and nowadays, we have 3T and so on. (Oasis is not exactly Pop, is it ? Trash Pop I think) They are all guys team. The last lady team (more than 4 ladies) I can think of is The Bangles which is an US team. (I think Spice Girls are from UK, check it out for me). Time for the lady’s turn.

A total of 30 minutes of ultra entertainment with one hour and forty minutes of waiting. Definitely worth it. If you do have some spare cash (e.g. SD$20 or HKD$100), go and get yourself that album. They are great singers as well. If you never heard of Spice Girls, where were YOU in the last 3 months ?

Wilf @ Paris.

From the Attic

Mad Cow (2) – C’est Toi?

Holy cow, you’re still with me. So I guess you DO care about Cows. Where was I ? Ah I remember. It was the Historical Cow Meeting, wasn’t it ? And now I am going to Bull-Shit you with the lyrics Ive got. Sit back and eNjoy.

Cow A = Cow Major : Wo-cow and Gentle-cow, may I preseNt Cow NapoleoN from FraNce. He is THE greatest scien-cow-tist ever lived in Cowkind.

(Seem to me that unlike the British and the French, British Cows and French Cows never hate each other. In fact, the French Cows sympathize and respect the British Cows as they believe that the British Cow travel all the way to France to die. To die for them, of course. A common jokes between Cows : You can never find a walking French Cow who is born in British – as the nationality of Cows lies on where they are slaughtered)

Other Cows : (Silence)
Cow Napoleon : Mercy Cow Major. Holy Cow !
Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng …..

(Although Cow Napoleon is from France, according to history, French Cows never adapt French Language into Cowish. The reason is simply they find the letter ‘R’ too tough to pronounce. To roll the tongue backward is still manageable but ask them to vibrate their throats like no tomorrow, no way. Therefore, instead of merci, we have mercy)

Cow Napoleon : To puNish maNkiNd, I proudly preseNt the one and only M-C-D.

Stupid Cow #1 : What, you meaN Man-Capturing-Device ?

Cow Napoleon (shocked) : You idiot ! What for ? Woc are vegetariaN. Woc doN’t eat meat.

Stupid Cow #2 : I kNow, that must be a Man-2-Cow-Discussion.

Cow Napoleon (head shake with dismay) : No woNder woc are doomed to be eateN for so maNy ceNturies. Because woc have so maNy like you.

Stupid Cow #3 : It has to be Mission-C’est-Dangerous.

Cow Napoleon (ignored the answer) : After years of research, we have come across a “substance” that is fatal but differeNt from Virus. Not like AIDS, people get it every time they mate. No no, woc do not wish to kill those human-vegetarians, do woc ? It is the Mad Cow Disease !! The hope of today ! The hope of tomorrow.

Other Cows (loudly) : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng ….

Cow Major (nodded his head) :Yes, it is the Mad Cow Disease. It is a conspiracy between our kiNd and sheep. Together we establish a Sure-Win Strategy. It is a revolutioN !

Other Cows : RevolutioN ! RevolutioN ! ReeeevoluuuuutioNNNNNNNNNN !

Hence, a revolution started by the British Cows.

So they have decided to launch the new weapon – Mad Cow Disease. This has been launched, of course, quite a few years from now. This is the finest plan ever exist in the Cow history. But what they do not think of, is the result of massacre which widely happened in Europe. Many Cows, who did not signed up for MCD, were being send to the furnace as well. They all burnt to death (one way or another). But what difference does it make ? Either they die to feed the Man or they die for their further generations. The most noble and respectable move by Cowkind. Biggest and probably the most meaningful Holy War raised by the Cows. A lesson that we must not forget. Cows are not vegetable. We cannot just grow them and eat them. Think twice before you order beef next time.


[Music # 1]

Title : Hungry Man (Not “Lemon Tree” !!)
Melody : As copied by Fools Garden and they named the song “Lemon Tree”

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We’re siting here under the boring sun. We’re eating eating eating eating eating the grass.
Never know what tomorrow will be. We wake up everyday and eat the grass.
And nothing ever happen, and we wonder.

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We wonder when, we wonder why. Yesterday we still saw the blue blue sky and all that we can see, we’re hanging in the market place. They put a bullet into my head, they cut me cut me cut me cut me cut me up and all that we can see, we’re hanging in the market place.

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We’re standing here inside the boring train. We’ve got no food no water and no place to sit.
No one hear our point of view. We’re far too weak to even Ngggg Ngggg Ngggg.
And somethings going to happen, and we wonder.

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We never get old, we always die young. Yesterday we dreamt about the green green scene and all that we can see is all the hungry ugly men. We turning our head up and down, jumping jumping jumping jumping jumping around, and all that we can see

Dingggg Dingggg Dingggg

And all that WE can see

Dingggg Dingggg Dingggg

And all the we can see. Its just another hungry man.

(I think the original version is a lot more meaningful than the “Lemon Tree”. It has more feelings and more meanings. If you do read the lyrics of the copied version, you will understand what I mean. I overheard this song when I was with a group of Cows.)

[Music # 2]

Title : Wannabe
Melody : Yes ! That is the one similar to the one sing by Spice Girls and The Spice Girls version is the number one hit all over the world. Make you really wonder how much has Cow contributed to our society.

Cow #1 : Soooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #2 : And tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #1 and Cow #2 : I want to (eat!) I want to (eat!) I want to (eat!) I want to (really really really really really say aaaaaaah)

Cow #3 : If you want my BODY, forget our past.
Cow #4 : If you want to eat with me, there’ll be no beef.
Cow #5 : Life won’t go wasted, without our meat.
Cow #3 : If you want to stay with me you must eat grass.

Cow #1 : Soooooo, come with me and sit with me. If you befriend with me, you better listen carefully.
Cow #3 : Come with me and see my BODY.
Cow #4 : Come with me and feel my BODY.
Cow #5 : Come with me don’t eat my BODY.

Cow #1 : Soooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #2 : And tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #1 and Cow #2 : There’ll be no (steak!) There’ll be no (burger!) There’ll be no (beef!) There’ll be no (really really really really really say aaaaaaah)

Thank you for your attention. You are free to distribute this valuable message to anywhere in the world but must include my Virtual E-mail address as I am the first one who is insane enough to discover that some Cows are indeed telepathic. Also, you must stress the point that we shall see Cows as living beings. Not just beef.

Holy Cow,
Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality

From the Attic

Mad Cow (1) – C’est Moi?

To those of you who do not having feelings towards cows, I urge you to escape and delete this message immediately for it will be a waste of your time and a waste of my effort. For those of you (Animal Lovers perhaps ?) who may care about what right do we have to slaughter the cows, you may like to take a look at this message. There will be no commitment. It is not a cult about cows. This is all about discovery. This is all about the meaning of life. This is all about … cows.

It was Thursday night when I had my dinner at my favorite American restaurant. Common sense said that most of the dishes would be beef. If not pepper steak, we have sirloin steak. If you do not fancy steak, we have burgers. If you end up in an American restaurant one day and find no beef in the menu, it must not be an American restaurant.

So I ordered pepper steak. Medium done. As I was consuming my piece of meat resting on a nice hot plate, blood oozing out with each cut I made. A very civilized way of eating, I doubt. My mind was drifting. Thinking of Mad Cow Disease made me doubt why the hell I ordered beef in the first place. And I was in deep thought about cows. Cows that were alive. Cows that you saw out in the farm. Cows that …

Suddenly, something hit me. My vision was blurred. My head was spinning. I wanted to throw up. A beacon. A call from far distance. An image and it disappeared so fast that I could not capture. My body was shaking when I called the bill and rushed back to my place, leaving my dinner unfinished.

And I had nightmares. Images worst than MTV. I saw cows. A lot of them and I screamed.

Funny enough I had recurrent nightmare on Friday night and I was certain that there was a beacon. I had a vision but I could not describe. It was somewhere that I must visit.

So I set off early on Saturday morning. Bought a train ticket to some rural place that I had never heard of. But I was following my instinct, or rather the beacon. There must be something waiting for me to be discovered.

A bright sunny day with some cool wind occasionally. Otherwise, everything was still. With the scent of grass and flower and the music of nature, I kept walking for half a day not knowing where I was heading. I wandered around and ended up into a huge, seemed to be abandon house. Well, not surprisingly that you found some places like this outside a small village.

“Hello, hello”, and I received no response. So I stepped in. The whole house was pretty empty and by the look of it, I would say it was indeed a very ancient house. Wooden walls, wooden furniture. When I turned around and stared at the walls. That shocked me. I virtually fell down onto the floor when I saw some “writings” engraved. I took out my notebook and started typing. It summarized as follows.
Seems to me that as we advance our technology, Cows do advance too. Although very slow, believe me, they do. What make us, the human beings, so successful ? As quoted from Stephan Hawking.
“For millions of years, mankind lived just like an animal. Then something happened, that unleashed our imagination, we began to talk.”

As for cows, they have acquired the skill of telepathic. (I am not lying ! Believe me, they do ! You really think I am insane, don’t you ? I AM NOT !) They communicate ! Just like we do. And surprisingly, they do have their language, very similar to English. They called it “Cowish”. So I doubt if the first telepathic cow was originated in England. As I was going through all the journals, I came across the following interesting conversation.

Cow A (Tall thin one) : Holy Cow ! (A greeting to each other. Similar to Good morning, Good afternoon and so on)

Cow B (Short fat one) : Holy Cow, our leader.

Cow A : Today is a very importaNt date in our Cow History. We should be awakeNed by the reality. (As you can image cow has a very strong cow accent)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow A : Over the past centuries, noNe of our cow-kind has realized that we were borN to be eateN. EveN our eyeballs becomes part of the biological experimeNt for the juNiors.

Cow B : What shall woc do ? (means we in English – check out the spelling)

Cow A : SomethiNg has to be doNe. Woc must all be Cow-War-D ! (Funny enough this has exactly the opposite meaning of the word – coward.)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow A : Now, you must listeN to what I am goiNg to Bull-Shit. (Cowish seems to use this word as – say or talk or express.)

Other Cows : Bull-Shit us ! Bull-Shit us !

Cow A : Our life should not be Cow-age by mankind. (Very unique Cowish grammar. They seem to replace the word ‘man’ with ‘cow’ whenever it is referring to their kind.)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow B : Woc shall have WAR !

Cow A : NO !! Havent you read the “Animal Farm” ? Do you waNt to be like the Pigs ? Listen to my Bull-Shit. No, woc shall not rule but woc shall teach man a lessoN.

Other Cows : (Silence)

Cow B : But

Other Cows : Bull-Shit us ! Bull-Shit us !


OOPS, my battery seems need to be recharged. Anyway I will continue this in the next transmission. If you are fed up with Cows right now, its all right. I will not bother you with Cow-ssage anymore. The bottom message is that the next time you eat beef, think about the fact that cows do have a mind. If you got to this far and want to hear more about Cows, simply send me an Email saying that “Yes, I concern about Cows”. If not, there will be no more Cow-ssage for you.

To be continued ….

Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality

Coming Soon :-
A famous Cow Song – The Fools Garden seems to have copied this song and renamed it as “The Lemon Tree”.

From the Attic

Interesting Conversation Overheard

Today was a rainy day. Even snow in the south. After a long day work, I left the client place at 7:10pm (very late to French standard), jumped into the RER (that is the MRT) and got off somewhere near Arc de Triumphe, dashed into one of the nearest restaurant. One thing about the tables in France is, very small and people sit very very close to each other. There was a couple sat next to me and they spoke very strong American accent. Guess they are American. It is not my policy to listen to other people’s conversation but the lady spoke quite loud and I could not help it. The girl is a Class C Lady (see footnote 1) by the way.

They started with some business conversation and,
Her : ….. PC ……
Him : You mean Personal Computer ?
Her : No, it’s Political Correctness.
[Alright, so they are colleagues]

Before I ordered my food, they ordered before me. The man asked for House Wine and the waiter suggested Beaujolais (New wine, just come out last week. Still very young, 1996, and it tasted quite nice. Very fruity.)

Him : Is it the cheapest wine ?
[Cheapy, if you want to buy the lady a diner, you’ve got to forget about budget]

The salad arrived for them and suddenly the lady reached for her handbag and took out the pills. She took it with the wine.

Her : I better not forget ….
[Wow, what does that mean ? Telling your colleague that you are very environmental friendly and never use plastic ?]

My live clams (just for a change, having live oyster for too long) arrived and the lady looked at my clams.

Her : Yuck ! I can never image how people can manage it…..
Him : ….. culture ……
Her : Still, it’s impossible ….
[So sister, it’s the French culture indeed. Here is not America my friend. After all, how did pre-historic human beings coped before God set the forest on fire with the first lightning ? It’s good and it’s healthy. Leave me alone !]

The man poured wine into the lady’s glass.

Her : So, you are trying to get me drunk.
Him : (quiet)
Her : I still remember the first time when we got drunk with wine.
[So, that’s how everything started ? Got drunk and em ?]

The lady posed a “kiss me” gesture and the man kissed her on the lips.
[Ah, and they are not colleague after all]

Her : So what are you going to do tonight ?
[The lady made the first move. They are not colleague but are they lover ?]

Her : Just imagine that one day I have a wedding in Paris and You have a wedding in Paris as well, what will we do ?
[You mean you guys will bang each other ? Does that mean you are not lovers right now ?]

I finished my clams and my main course arrived.

Her : I am a nice girl ….. not with any one I know … personal …… sexual …
[Oh wait a minute, definitely it doesn’t look like they are lover, does it ? A very daring and desperate attempt.]

The lady posed yet another “kiss me” gesture but this time the man refused to kiss her.
[Doesn’t look good, does it ? Guess your chance of having fun tonight is 50-50]

Her : I do not get jealous ….
[So you guys did break up and haven’t seem each other for a while. Now I begin to see the picture]

I finished my main course and asked for my coffee. The lady seemed to be quite unhappy.

Her : So, this is the last time I suppose.
Him : (pause for a long while) Yes.
She looked very sad and gently caressed the face of her ex-lover.
[How sad]

I asked for my bill. And so did the lady.

Her : I think we should have more wine.
Him : (shake head)
[A very last try. Sorry girl you are not my type, otherwise …]

Kind of a surprise that the lady paid the bill instead. At the end, she said “Thanks to my Mum”. They left the restaurant without holding hands or hugging each other.

Wilf @ Paris.

From the Attic

Win95 Insanity

Hi people,

When I realized that I am suffered from Win95 Virtual Insanity, it’s already too late. No matter what, don’t use Win95 intensively. Please don’t be like me. I am at a point of no return and have buried myself in the madness of Virtual New Age. I hope this message will be taken seriously and I hope this message will prevent future generations, who are bright and young and virtually sane, from suffering Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Wilf’s Journal Summary from Day One …..

You know when you have used your computer plus Win95 for too long. (Just like me, I switch on my computer to check mail before I am even awake.)

[1] I woke up each morning, spending a couple of minutes, making sure that all my brain neurons are okay. Just like the message : Memory 32768 KB OK

[2] And now I suffer from the habit of deliberately clearing my throat before I get out of bed, making the noise of kark kark kaaaarrk. Just like the sound of the floppy and hard disk drive every time you boot up. Also when someone asks me to do something, I will go : kark kark kaaaarrk.

[3] And when I feel sick, perhaps a Virus Attack, I will turn my shelves and drawers upside down to look for the Norton Anti-virus Update. But in fact, the cold medicine is right there on the table.

[4] Occasionally, when I am doing some push-ups and my muscles fail to do so after a few up-and-down. I will swear to myself, “General Protection Fault (GPF) at “.

[5] When someone ask me something I don’t know, I will reply, “Host unreachable.”

[6] And when they ask me something I don’t have, I will reply, “File not found.”

[7] And when they ask me “Is it alright to go out with your girlfriend just for a day ?”. I will reply “Sharing Violation reading . Abort, Retry, Fail ?”

[8] And when they ask me to do something I don’t want to do, I will reply “Your command has performed an illegal operation. I have to shut you down. Please if problem persist.”

[9] And when they ask me my birthday or anything personal, I will demand a password.

[10] And when I found that there’s another man on my lover’s bed, I will just HANG and wait for a Ctl-Alt-Del command.

[11] Once in a while, I will meditate for an hour or two just to “defragment” my mind. And of course, I scan my neurons everyday to make sure that there is no bad sector.

[12] Whenever I am waiting, I see an illusion. There is an hour-glass right in front of me.

[13] Each night when I go to sleep, I see the message “Please wait while your brain shuts down”. And just like Win95, sometime it just hangs there. I guess in reality, that is called sleepless night. I know when my sleep is successful when I read “It is now safe to switch off your mind.”

[14] I begin to abuse the word “replicate” or “truncate”, or even “up/download”. Instead of asking “So, what have you been doing ?” I will say “Please replicate the database concerning your status”. Instead of saying “I beg your pardon ?”. I will ask “Message Truncated. Could you please refresh truncated document (F9) ?” And I will say “May I upload you with my idea” or “Please download your opinion to me, I am absolutely lost.”

[15] And when somebody is trying to bullshit me with all the nonsense, I will tell him/her that there is a compilation error, fatal error at you head.

[16] Every morning when I have to decide what to wear, I look into my control panel to browse my Microsoft Plus – Themes.

[17] I seems to be able to derive more excitement when my programs are working as compare to my relationship. Pure ecstasy.

[18] When they ask me my address, I will tell them : 128.AC.BeachRoad.19

[19] I begin to wonder whether my neurons are connected in token-ring or ethernet.

[20] Whenever I bought a new stationary, I will perform a proper procedure. First go into Control Panel. Select Add/Remove New Hardware. Select the driver needed for that new piece of stationary and then restart my brain.

[21] If I didn’t have a pleasant sleep, i.e. previously shutdown of my brain not properly done, I will begin the day with SAFE MODE.

You see, I am in total madness. Any consolation is welcome. By the way, I am not quite there yet. Wait till I wake up one day, scanning all my neurons, start singing “BEEP BEEP” and clear my throat “kark kark kaarrrk”, then I am truly insane (which is not far away).

I wish you all the best and please prevent yourself from suffering the Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality