On a Day of Weariness

Today is one of those days whereby I have simply lost interest in everything. It is not a mood swing. I mean, yesterday was a very happy day. I had some really good phone calls. I teared a bit when speaking with my mom, whom I have not called for a very long time. I did not call after my dad’s heart-related operation. At some point, I was fed up with my dad. According to mom, after the operation, the nurse said to my dad, “Now you have a new heart (note: more like new lease of life because not all Cantonese phrases can be taken literally), start anew and treat the people around you nicely.” One fine day, my dad took the nurse’s advice and thanked my mom for looking after him telling her that the meal that she cooked was good.

Oh. My. God.

That was just shocking. So un-dad-like. So yes, near-death experience does change people. I just hope that people don’t need to go through that just to change. At that moment of hearing the story on the phone, I dropped a tear or two. Happy tears. Mom being mom – true to Hong Kong culture – dramatized the whole operation. According to her – and I am pretty sure she wasn’t there to witness the operation – when the doctor made a cut into my dad’s artery, with blood shooting out everywhere and onto the doctor’s coat, the doctor only had a few second to complete the operation and close the wound.

Wow. So dramatic!

Yesterday was a happy day. Dancing to TWICE’s I Can’t Stop Me, which is incredibly hard. Having some discounted Sauvignon Blanc from NTUC – a night of volume over quality, which wasn’t that bad (of course not as good as the French wine I have). Played some music, which was probably one of my better performance in recent days. I was satisfied.

All in all, yesterday was a happy day speaking on the phone at the balcony watching the moon hanging on a cloudy sky while enjoying the cool breeze of a November evening in Singapore.

Today is not like I am sad or unhappy. Just general loss of interest in things. I have tried very hard to put on a happy face at work, which is part of my job because I realize that my mood does affect people and stakeholders around me in a rather profound way. That must have zapped all my energy. I tried to watch TV and there was nothing interesting. I tried to play music but my performance wasn’t even close to what I had yesterday. Tonight dinner is a repeat of yesterday. US election was kind of interesting at the start of the day. But now, it has become a waiting game. I stared at my phone. The right message hasn’t come through yet.

I wanted to doodle. I thought of a title thanks to a recent life event, “No King Reigns Forever”. Then I contemplated swapping ‘king’ with ‘ruler’ to be gender-neutral (on my mind, the viewer will not be able to tell anyway). Afterward, I thought, why not do a “No Queen Reigns Forever” as I wanted to write an associated story. I have the concept of a young and beautiful Queen gradually losing her physical and mental abilities but her knights still wanted her to reign because … [note: I don’t know yet]. To maintain a functional Queen – at least in the eyes of the people when they occasionally see her, the knights have to … [note: I also don’t know this part yet]. And then there is a cool ending. Or rather, I must have a cool ending, in which I don’t know what it is yet.

Since I still haven’t got the inspiration for writing the story, I returned to the conceptualization of the doodle. A non-functioning Queen at her throne with a bowing head, one hand holding a scepter, and one foot stepping out of reality hanging onto her last breath of life. But what should be the illusion that sustains her vitals?

I. Don’t. Know. Yet.

Such is the journey of art, on a day of weariness.

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