Stripped, Shattered

I had nightmare again.  Too many nightmare nowadays.  Car crash, arrested by Chinese government, bullets in my legs, sick surgeon.  I really can’t stand it.

The whole weekend alone.  Mohamed didn’t call as promised.  So lonely and my mind was set to JP again.  What is love?  What is hate?  To love is to hate.  To hate is to love.  Do I still love her?  But it is not love anymore if it is one-sided.  So cruel of her to leave me alone here in Paris suffering the heartbreak.  How can she?  For we have been in love for four years.  From time to time, I dream that she will be there when I return to Singapore.  But why should I dream that for it has already been to late.  Far too late for any remedy to take place.  God doesn’t help me at all.  Time heal?  It isn’t true.  Not true at all.  I still feel the very pain even after 2 months.

I am yearning for everlasting true love.

Went to WH Smiths and bought the book “Hamlet”.  Published by Oxford University Press of course.  Watched the move “Michael Collin”.  A tragedy.  Too many tragedies nowadays.  Had a Mexican meal in the cold.  What else should I have done for my last weekend in Paris (this mission)?

I miss her so dearly.  It is just not fair to the way it turns out.  Why she dumped me?  What’s wrong with me?  And she is so happy.  Yes, so happy without my presence.  Shall I be happy for her for shall I be sad for myself.  All my grief and sorrow and nothing can ever mend this broken heart of mine.

Life is so unfair.  Life is so unpredictable.  And she striped me down to nothing.  Shatter my dreams, shatter my future, shatter all my hopes and leave me homeless in this foreign land, in Singapore.  Striped away all the joy I was used to have.

Shall I welcome my next stage of life?

Destination Los Angeles

Today we needed to hit Los Angeles therefore we both woke up pretty early.  I set the alarm clock at 6:45 am and I woke up naturally.  More correctly, I woke up by a nightmare.  In my dream, I was in bed with JP. And before we got into real business, she admitted that she had slept with more than a hundred guys while I was away.  I was furious and shouting up to the sky (something like the show ‘Romeo and Juliet’) and I could feel my whole body felt with rage.  And I woke up with cold swears falling from my forehead.

Must be the songs from ‘Jewel’.

Guess what. I woke up at 7:20 am instead.  Feeling very tired and we stepped out of the room at around eight.  Had a simple breakfast and hit the road.  I felt a lot better today and Colin and I got along well just like Day One.  Kind of strange that my mood changes so suddenly.

At first Colin decided that he would drive all the way to Barstow and I would take the cue and finished off the trip.  In the end, he got tired after one hour of driving on a very straight road and I took over.  We swapped from time to time and it was fun.

The factory outlet in Barstow was huge.  We both spent a lot of money there.  In the end, we were frightened and tried not to step into any shop.

The inn was very decent indeed and we relaxed quite a fair bit.  Colin was into … erm … movies while I just took a nap.  He was craving for Chinese food so we have decided to go for Chinese.  It took us a long time to get there and the food was no good.  But he still thinks that it is better than cheese and bread (Western food).

During the whole day, I was thinking about JP again.  Thinking about the possibility that we will get back together.  But will I ever even be able to bear the shadow of not being able to know what she has been doing behind me?  After all, we have officially broken up.  And do I really care if she is really flirting and sleeping around?  Guess I shouldn’t.  Thought that the purpose of such a trip is to forget about the past but the past is just too difficult to be forgiven.

A Sunday at the Bookstore

They knocked at my door twice.  Never found out who there were.  Probably someone wanted to make my room.  Reminded me of those good University days when someone tried to wake me up in a lazy weekend afternoon.

A very horrifying dream.  A very pretty girl kissing me while another guy playing with my dick.  Totally terrifying.  Must be “inspired” by one of the chat I had with a bisexual kid.  Yuck!

I planed to go to an English Bookstore (WH Smiths) this afternoon, and I did.  And also I discovered that they do open during Sundays.  I had my late lunch (5 pm) at one of the café.  Actually a very nice atmosphere.  I sat at the center of the café and since today was quite a warm day, they “opened” up the entrance.  Just like those coffee shops in Singapore.  The music was right and it was nice to see people walking past, from a distance.  I had a movie on my mind and maybe one day I should turn that into a fiction.

As expected, I couldn’t stop myself from spending money in a bookstore.  Bought a very nice Valentine’s Card, Q Magazine and a novel.  I thought I would buy some new fiction but in the end, I didn’t Yes, I bought a classic novel – “The Portrait of a Lady”.  Never know that the film was made from a classic.  So I bought it and hopefully, I will read it as well.

And I watched one of the worst film I have ever seen – “The Crow – The City of Angel”.  The only thing good was that I loved the main actress.  That’s it.

Had a unusual diner.  I asked for Irish Dream (cocktail) and the waitress persuaded me to drink something else.  Wanted a Club Sandwich (as I wasn’t really hungry) and the same waitress persuaded me to take some seafood.  She nearly wanted to persuade me to have another 6 oysters but I said no.  There was a Dutch couple sat next to me and the man turned out to be a politician.  When I paid the bill by VISA, the waiter asked me for tips!  What an usual night.

And now I become a TV addict.  10 pm is Jay Leno’s Tonight Show.  11 pm is another one.  And I finally utilized my TV room which reading Q magazine during advertisement.