Looking Back 1998

Year 1998 has been a very interesting year for me.  These are the events which were pretty significant in my ordinary life.

  1. I have spent the new year day alone.  Well not exactly.  My driver of that time, Edi, took me to Pelabunhan Ratu, South of Java.
  2. My second love affair had gone to drain some time in Jan/Feb.  Exact moment has been long forgotten.  Who wants to remember that date anyway?
  3. Ever since then, I spent a lot of time with Robert, cooking and playing golf together.
  4. Riot was brewing in the heart of Jakarta.  Been there, seen the army and luckily, got off the project before the so-called massacre.
  5. Promoted to be a consultant on the 1st of March.
  6. Happy moment is of course, the system went live at the beginning of March.
  7. Rolled off from Jakarta in the middle of March and stayed put in KO’s place.
  8. Got into the new VTF project immediately and started working in the prototyping team.
  9. My mother visited me some time in March and got her a long term social visit pass.
  10. Relocated to KL AC office in the middle of April.
  11. Converted to be a Singaporean and the ceremony was at the beginning of August.
  12. Started out with Cynthia on August 15 with the sunset of Malacca.  From then on, we have traveled a lot and have been to Penang, Cameron Highlands and Singapore many times.
  13. Quite smoking and have been to the church from time to time.
  14. Cynthia’s mum came over during Christmas and we went to Singapore to visit her relatives.
  15. Cynthia with me during the New Year Eve.

Of course, out of 365 days a year, we do have some cool events in which we opt not to forget.  Then again, each little events marks the end of one period and the beginning of a new period.  Why not take this opportunity to examine each period closely?

Period of Loneliness and Sadness
(Jan to March)

In fact, this period of loneliness has lasted for a very long time and casually speaking, it was till August.  But to follow the flow of the history, let us just be contented and say that this period ended when I left Jakarta.

Being involved in a meaningless relationship was properly one of the silliest thing I have ever done to my life.  But then again, when I looked back, if not for this total disaster, I would not have learnt so much and treasure my current love relationship so much.

My 2nd love partner delivered several of the most painful feeling to me and I received the blow defenselessly.  There was no counter reaction there and I was in a total losing ground.  Because I gave everything when I am in love.  One of which was like: I am going to stay with another guy this weekend and he is coming to fetch me, anything to say before I leave tonight?

All dignity, all hopes and all “self” – shattered.

Then underwent those bitter moments of moving out and back to my old apartment.  The very first apartment I stayed with Shamsul, and later on, Mark.

Not to say I have lost everything during that period of time.  I composed some very good pieces of music.  I was pretty close to Robert whom is someone I respect and glad to know as a friend.  I picked up golf and had a lot of good food.  I learn some very good lessons for I am closer to know what I really want from a love relationship.

Still remember those moments when I roller-blade with Robert within the Tennis Court of Mitra Oasis while I was listening to Metallica (Reload).  And all those electronic goods shopping.

But all these are just part of my journey of life.  It is supposed to make me stronger.

Period of Career Development and Reorganization of Personal Life
(March to August)

After that traumatic experience in Jakarta, a change of environment is always welcome.  And there I was, back in Singapore.  And somehow, I see things a little bit differently.  Seems to me that the future was something which I could not even touch.

And then, my journey of life has arrived at a “roundabout”.  I was thinking of (a) take all my saving and pursue my PHD study in UK, (b) forgo my Singapore PR status and return to HK together with all the CPF contributions; or (c) continue to head for the uncertainty.

Just branch off from here, sometime symbolic happened here.  I was talking about my so-called choices with Annie on the phone just in front of Borders and somehow, Cynthia, totally unexpectedly, appeared right in front of me.

Anyway, back to my “roundabout”, I have decided to continue heading to the uncertainty.  As far as my career is concerned, it has gone pretty OK.  I have been promoted to the consultant level and have some sort of decent role in the new project.

And because of this project, I have made a lot of new friends and met a couple of old friends.  Surprisingly, when I met my ex, I can simply treat her as a new stranger with no attachment to the history.  I guess, I can safely say that I have totally got over her (and ready for a new beginning?)

And not to forget to mention that one of the most significant event in the Year 1998 is my becoming of a Singaporean.  At that very moment before I took up the citizenship, I felt as though it was like a marriage decision.  Equal importance I would suppose.  It is because it is where my base is, my family and my generations.

But I made that decision – just like that!

Again, something gain, something lost.  In this period of time, I tried so hard to glue my own family together and even tried so hard to work on this personal aspect.  Well, I was event to the idea of having some sort of family holiday once a year.  Just the family together go somewhere and have a relaxing time, catching up with each other. But it never work out so far.  Year 1999 perhaps?

Period of Love
(August to Now)

In order for Cynthia to be in KL, she has to come with VTF experience.  In order for her to come with that experience, she has to work in BUN with the VTF team.  And for that, she needs to join AC Jakarta.  And to join AC, she needs a decent degree in a decent university like Bandung.  So on and so on.

In order for me to be in KL, I too have to come with VTF experience.  In order for me to know Cynthia beforehand, I have to be in the BUN project.  And at that time, I had quite a number of choices but I somehow chose to be in Indonesia for I wanted to know the culture there.  And I was in Paris. For me to be in Paris, I must join AC Singapore.  And that, I need to be brought into Singapore to start with, thanks to my ex-lover back in the university.  And to meet her, I need to study in Oxford, UK.  And to make it there, no way I could have done it from HK and therefore, thanks to the scholarship which enabled me to study the A-Level in UK.

And one last comment to this what I called as “divine plan” is that if I were to start out with Cynthia back in Jakarta, I do not think that we would have worked out.  Simply because I was not ready for any relationship then as I was still trying very hard to get over my ex-lover back in Singapore.  Hence, my ex-love back in Jakarta came into the picture.

Ever since I went out with Cynthia, I am in so much joy.  We travelled many places.  We share similar hobbies, like reading and music.  She makes me feel so much like a man and I make her feel so much like a woman.  We talked about marriage. We make plan to visit our parents together.  I quite smoking and often, I go to the Catholic Church.

So, there is indeed something like: Made for each other?

Vision
(Now to Dec 99)

The word of the year will be “balance”.

To seek a balance between career and love, a balance between individual life and a life with my family; and a balance between luxury and necessity.

This year, I really wish that my wishes which have been accumulated for years will slowly come true and I am ready to fight for it.

  • Set up the root in Singapore
  • Have a fruitful relationship

May God be with me and everyone of my brothers and sisters too.

Looking Back on 1997

Another Christmas day, alone on my own.  The background music?  Well, “Do they know it’s Christmas”.  Looking back the year of 1997.  A lot has happened.  Far too much.

But I have to write them down.  What’s life without memory?  Good or bad, they make up our past.  Hopefully, we can learn something out of it and hopefully, that will make a better me.

Two Christmas night, two lonely nights.  Overlooking the Jakarta night scene.  It kind of reminds me of Paris.  The lights are the same, the place is different.

OK, we shall start with my whereabouts this year and talk a bit about feeling later on.  Good idea?

I was in Singapore during the first half a month of January.  Then returned to Paris to continue my four and half months mission.  Went to US somewhere in April and traveled with Colin.  Places like LV and LA and so on.   By the end of May, I was back to Singapore for a few weeks.  Finally returned to HK for a 2 weeks visit and sick for a whole week.  Came to Jakarta towards the end of June.  Visited Bali and Borobudur in Indonesia.

When I look back, it is pretty impressive thinking about the number of places I have visited in this 12 months’ time.  But am I happy about it?  That is what I constantly searching for.

Oh, my WWWIS.  I sent so many emails that I have lost track of.  It is kind of funny to read what I have written.  But inspiration only seems to come when I am alone.  Hence, haven’t been doing it for quite a long while.  Or more correctly, ever since I left Paris.

Edit 2008.05.12: This entry does look truncated.  But that is all I have.  Maybe it is how it ends.  Maybe a chunk of it is lost.  Note that WWWIS stands for … doesn’t matter.  It was my old “blogging mechanism” to reach to my friends.  Also, the original date that this was written is lost.  So I place it under 1997 Christmas day.

If Only I Have an Answer

So, it has finished.

This so called second love affair of mine has finally come to an end.  Few days ago, I still wondering what will happen the day when the project ends.  But it just turns into such an ugly scene.

My eyeball ‘burst’ and I still hope that it will recover.  But it shows no good sign of recovery.

So many mistakes I have made and I just wish that the project will end real soon.  Counting the days, I have become.  What would the reminding days be?  I have no idea.  Will it be more painful than before?  Still too early to say.

But what have I done wrong?  And what have I done to deserve this?

If only I have an answer.

Swamped

It has been exactly three weeks which I have not been writing any diary.  Surprising how time flies and how much I have lost touch with my inner self.

So what has happened in this three weeks’ time.  A lot.

In terms of work, it has gone quite okay.  Or more correctly, more bearable.  But in terms of my love life, it is still in a mess.  Last night had a minor argument with CC.  She doubts if she is still the most important person in my world.  And of course she is!  Think about all the sleepless night because of her.  But work really gets in between our relationship.  How sad it is.  I just hope that it will turn better as time goes by.

Edit 2008.05.12: Now that I read this, it is interesting to see how I am just not able to see something that is so obvious right in front of me.

Know My Place

Sunday, that is.  Forced myself to wake up this morning.  Accompanied the maid and bought some household stuffs.  Went over BUN and worked a while.  CC called me back to chop up the chicken.  We all have a lunch gathering.  Then I went back to work a while and they all watched VCD.

Seeing CC and her boyfriend being so close hurt me so much.  But I must always remember I am the third party and not the one in her heart.

To Be or To Be Not

To be frank, let’s hope that I have already hit the lowest point of my emotion.  And I shall see a bright and clear path soon.

Easy said that done but at least I shall try to seek true happiness.

And not at all simple.

Got to sort out my work, my love, my friends and my family.

To some people, I may be lucky.  To be single and lead a non-commit life.  Free to see any body I like, free to do whatever I like.

The bottom line is: I have to experience as much as possible when I am young.

My heartbreaks, my disappointing role in the project, the slipping of my friends, the family back in Hong Kong I need to take care of really soon.  The question is: shall I emerge in my non-prosperous love life, probably pursuing something that will end up like soap bubble? To be or not to be …

But which way to go? 

Lost

I lost my watch tonight.

What happened to me this year?  I have lost my first girlfriend after 4 years of relationship.  I now lost my watch which has been with me for 4 years.

At that very moment, I am afraid of losing anything at all. In life, you just cannot take things for granted.  What if I lose CC?

Oh God, I just don’t want to think about it.

I need time. I just need time.