Author: Wilfrid

Holy cow, you’re still with me. So I guess you DO care about Cows. Where was I ? Ah I remember. It was the Historical Cow Meeting, wasn’t it ? And now I am going to Bull-Shit you with the lyrics Ive got. Sit back and eNjoy.

Cow A = Cow Major : Wo-cow and Gentle-cow, may I preseNt Cow NapoleoN from FraNce. He is THE greatest scien-cow-tist ever lived in Cowkind.

(Seem to me that unlike the British and the French, British Cows and French Cows never hate each other. In fact, the French Cows sympathize and respect the British Cows as they believe that the British Cow travel all the way to France to die. To die for them, of course. A common jokes between Cows : You can never find a walking French Cow who is born in British – as the nationality of Cows lies on where they are slaughtered)

Other Cows : (Silence)
Cow Napoleon : Mercy Cow Major. Holy Cow !
Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng …..

(Although Cow Napoleon is from France, according to history, French Cows never adapt French Language into Cowish. The reason is simply they find the letter ‘R’ too tough to pronounce. To roll the tongue backward is still manageable but ask them to vibrate their throats like no tomorrow, no way. Therefore, instead of merci, we have mercy)

Cow Napoleon : To puNish maNkiNd, I proudly preseNt the one and only M-C-D.

Stupid Cow #1 : What, you meaN Man-Capturing-Device ?

Cow Napoleon (shocked) : You idiot ! What for ? Woc are vegetariaN. Woc doN’t eat meat.

Stupid Cow #2 : I kNow, that must be a Man-2-Cow-Discussion.

Cow Napoleon (head shake with dismay) : No woNder woc are doomed to be eateN for so maNy ceNturies. Because woc have so maNy like you.

Stupid Cow #3 : It has to be Mission-C’est-Dangerous.

Cow Napoleon (ignored the answer) : After years of research, we have come across a “substance” that is fatal but differeNt from Virus. Not like AIDS, people get it every time they mate. No no, woc do not wish to kill those human-vegetarians, do woc ? It is the Mad Cow Disease !! The hope of today ! The hope of tomorrow.

Other Cows (loudly) : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng ….

Cow Major (nodded his head) :Yes, it is the Mad Cow Disease. It is a conspiracy between our kiNd and sheep. Together we establish a Sure-Win Strategy. It is a revolutioN !

Other Cows : RevolutioN ! RevolutioN ! ReeeevoluuuuutioNNNNNNNNNN !

Hence, a revolution started by the British Cows.

So they have decided to launch the new weapon – Mad Cow Disease. This has been launched, of course, quite a few years from now. This is the finest plan ever exist in the Cow history. But what they do not think of, is the result of massacre which widely happened in Europe. Many Cows, who did not signed up for MCD, were being send to the furnace as well. They all burnt to death (one way or another). But what difference does it make ? Either they die to feed the Man or they die for their further generations. The most noble and respectable move by Cowkind. Biggest and probably the most meaningful Holy War raised by the Cows. A lesson that we must not forget. Cows are not vegetable. We cannot just grow them and eat them. Think twice before you order beef next time.

THE END

[Music # 1]

Title : Hungry Man (Not “Lemon Tree” !!)
Melody : As copied by Fools Garden and they named the song “Lemon Tree”

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We’re siting here under the boring sun. We’re eating eating eating eating eating the grass.
Never know what tomorrow will be. We wake up everyday and eat the grass.
And nothing ever happen, and we wonder.

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We wonder when, we wonder why. Yesterday we still saw the blue blue sky and all that we can see, we’re hanging in the market place. They put a bullet into my head, they cut me cut me cut me cut me cut me up and all that we can see, we’re hanging in the market place.

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We’re standing here inside the boring train. We’ve got no food no water and no place to sit.
No one hear our point of view. We’re far too weak to even Ngggg Ngggg Ngggg.
And somethings going to happen, and we wonder.

Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Nggg Dinggggg

We never get old, we always die young. Yesterday we dreamt about the green green scene and all that we can see is all the hungry ugly men. We turning our head up and down, jumping jumping jumping jumping jumping around, and all that we can see

Dingggg Dingggg Dingggg

And all that WE can see

Dingggg Dingggg Dingggg

And all the we can see. Its just another hungry man.

(I think the original version is a lot more meaningful than the “Lemon Tree”. It has more feelings and more meanings. If you do read the lyrics of the copied version, you will understand what I mean. I overheard this song when I was with a group of Cows.)

[Music # 2]

Title : Wannabe
Melody : Yes ! That is the one similar to the one sing by Spice Girls and The Spice Girls version is the number one hit all over the world. Make you really wonder how much has Cow contributed to our society.

Cow #1 : Soooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #2 : And tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #1 and Cow #2 : I want to (eat!) I want to (eat!) I want to (eat!) I want to (really really really really really say aaaaaaah)

Cow #3 : If you want my BODY, forget our past.
Cow #4 : If you want to eat with me, there’ll be no beef.
Cow #5 : Life won’t go wasted, without our meat.
Cow #3 : If you want to stay with me you must eat grass.

Cow #1 : Soooooo, come with me and sit with me. If you befriend with me, you better listen carefully.
Cow #3 : Come with me and see my BODY.
Cow #4 : Come with me and feel my BODY.
Cow #5 : Come with me don’t eat my BODY.

Cow #1 : Soooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #2 : And tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Cow #1 and Cow #2 : There’ll be no (steak!) There’ll be no (burger!) There’ll be no (beef!) There’ll be no (really really really really really say aaaaaaah)

Thank you for your attention. You are free to distribute this valuable message to anywhere in the world but must include my Virtual E-mail address as I am the first one who is insane enough to discover that some Cows are indeed telepathic. Also, you must stress the point that we shall see Cows as living beings. Not just beef.

Holy Cow,
Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality

To those of you who do not having feelings towards cows, I urge you to escape and delete this message immediately for it will be a waste of your time and a waste of my effort. For those of you (Animal Lovers perhaps ?) who may care about what right do we have to slaughter the cows, you may like to take a look at this message. There will be no commitment. It is not a cult about cows. This is all about discovery. This is all about the meaning of life. This is all about … cows.

It was Thursday night when I had my dinner at my favorite American restaurant. Common sense said that most of the dishes would be beef. If not pepper steak, we have sirloin steak. If you do not fancy steak, we have burgers. If you end up in an American restaurant one day and find no beef in the menu, it must not be an American restaurant.

So I ordered pepper steak. Medium done. As I was consuming my piece of meat resting on a nice hot plate, blood oozing out with each cut I made. A very civilized way of eating, I doubt. My mind was drifting. Thinking of Mad Cow Disease made me doubt why the hell I ordered beef in the first place. And I was in deep thought about cows. Cows that were alive. Cows that you saw out in the farm. Cows that …

Suddenly, something hit me. My vision was blurred. My head was spinning. I wanted to throw up. A beacon. A call from far distance. An image and it disappeared so fast that I could not capture. My body was shaking when I called the bill and rushed back to my place, leaving my dinner unfinished.

And I had nightmares. Images worst than MTV. I saw cows. A lot of them and I screamed.

Funny enough I had recurrent nightmare on Friday night and I was certain that there was a beacon. I had a vision but I could not describe. It was somewhere that I must visit.

So I set off early on Saturday morning. Bought a train ticket to some rural place that I had never heard of. But I was following my instinct, or rather the beacon. There must be something waiting for me to be discovered.

A bright sunny day with some cool wind occasionally. Otherwise, everything was still. With the scent of grass and flower and the music of nature, I kept walking for half a day not knowing where I was heading. I wandered around and ended up into a huge, seemed to be abandon house. Well, not surprisingly that you found some places like this outside a small village.

“Hello, hello”, and I received no response. So I stepped in. The whole house was pretty empty and by the look of it, I would say it was indeed a very ancient house. Wooden walls, wooden furniture. When I turned around and stared at the walls. That shocked me. I virtually fell down onto the floor when I saw some “writings” engraved. I took out my notebook and started typing. It summarized as follows.
Seems to me that as we advance our technology, Cows do advance too. Although very slow, believe me, they do. What make us, the human beings, so successful ? As quoted from Stephan Hawking.
“For millions of years, mankind lived just like an animal. Then something happened, that unleashed our imagination, we began to talk.”

As for cows, they have acquired the skill of telepathic. (I am not lying ! Believe me, they do ! You really think I am insane, don’t you ? I AM NOT !) They communicate ! Just like we do. And surprisingly, they do have their language, very similar to English. They called it “Cowish”. So I doubt if the first telepathic cow was originated in England. As I was going through all the journals, I came across the following interesting conversation.

Cow A (Tall thin one) : Holy Cow ! (A greeting to each other. Similar to Good morning, Good afternoon and so on)

Cow B (Short fat one) : Holy Cow, our leader.

Cow A : Today is a very importaNt date in our Cow History. We should be awakeNed by the reality. (As you can image cow has a very strong cow accent)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow A : Over the past centuries, noNe of our cow-kind has realized that we were borN to be eateN. EveN our eyeballs becomes part of the biological experimeNt for the juNiors.

Cow B : What shall woc do ? (means we in English – check out the spelling)

Cow A : SomethiNg has to be doNe. Woc must all be Cow-War-D ! (Funny enough this has exactly the opposite meaning of the word – coward.)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow A : Now, you must listeN to what I am goiNg to Bull-Shit. (Cowish seems to use this word as – say or talk or express.)

Other Cows : Bull-Shit us ! Bull-Shit us !

Cow A : Our life should not be Cow-age by mankind. (Very unique Cowish grammar. They seem to replace the word ‘man’ with ‘cow’ whenever it is referring to their kind.)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow B : Woc shall have WAR !

Cow A : NO !! Havent you read the “Animal Farm” ? Do you waNt to be like the Pigs ? Listen to my Bull-Shit. No, woc shall not rule but woc shall teach man a lessoN.

Other Cows : (Silence)

Cow B : But

Other Cows : Bull-Shit us ! Bull-Shit us !

:

OOPS, my battery seems need to be recharged. Anyway I will continue this in the next transmission. If you are fed up with Cows right now, its all right. I will not bother you with Cow-ssage anymore. The bottom message is that the next time you eat beef, think about the fact that cows do have a mind. If you got to this far and want to hear more about Cows, simply send me an Email saying that “Yes, I concern about Cows”. If not, there will be no more Cow-ssage for you.

To be continued ….

Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality

Coming Soon :-
A famous Cow Song – The Fools Garden seems to have copied this song and renamed it as “The Lemon Tree”.

Today was a rainy day. Even snow in the south. After a long day work, I left the client place at 7:10pm (very late to French standard), jumped into the RER (that is the MRT) and got off somewhere near Arc de Triumphe, dashed into one of the nearest restaurant. One thing about the tables in France is, very small and people sit very very close to each other. There was a couple sat next to me and they spoke very strong American accent. Guess they are American. It is not my policy to listen to other people’s conversation but the lady spoke quite loud and I could not help it. The girl is a Class C Lady (see footnote 1) by the way.

They started with some business conversation and,
Her : ….. PC ……
Him : You mean Personal Computer ?
Her : No, it’s Political Correctness.
[Alright, so they are colleagues]

Before I ordered my food, they ordered before me. The man asked for House Wine and the waiter suggested Beaujolais (New wine, just come out last week. Still very young, 1996, and it tasted quite nice. Very fruity.)

Him : Is it the cheapest wine ?
[Cheapy, if you want to buy the lady a diner, you’ve got to forget about budget]

The salad arrived for them and suddenly the lady reached for her handbag and took out the pills. She took it with the wine.

Her : I better not forget ….
[Wow, what does that mean ? Telling your colleague that you are very environmental friendly and never use plastic ?]

My live clams (just for a change, having live oyster for too long) arrived and the lady looked at my clams.

Her : Yuck ! I can never image how people can manage it…..
Him : ….. culture ……
Her : Still, it’s impossible ….
[So sister, it’s the French culture indeed. Here is not America my friend. After all, how did pre-historic human beings coped before God set the forest on fire with the first lightning ? It’s good and it’s healthy. Leave me alone !]

The man poured wine into the lady’s glass.

Her : So, you are trying to get me drunk.
Him : (quiet)
Her : I still remember the first time when we got drunk with wine.
[So, that’s how everything started ? Got drunk and em ?]

The lady posed a “kiss me” gesture and the man kissed her on the lips.
[Ah, and they are not colleague after all]

Her : So what are you going to do tonight ?
[The lady made the first move. They are not colleague but are they lover ?]

Her : Just imagine that one day I have a wedding in Paris and You have a wedding in Paris as well, what will we do ?
[You mean you guys will bang each other ? Does that mean you are not lovers right now ?]

I finished my clams and my main course arrived.

Her : I am a nice girl ….. not with any one I know … personal …… sexual …
[Oh wait a minute, definitely it doesn’t look like they are lover, does it ? A very daring and desperate attempt.]

The lady posed yet another “kiss me” gesture but this time the man refused to kiss her.
[Doesn’t look good, does it ? Guess your chance of having fun tonight is 50-50]

Her : I do not get jealous ….
[So you guys did break up and haven’t seem each other for a while. Now I begin to see the picture]

I finished my main course and asked for my coffee. The lady seemed to be quite unhappy.

Her : So, this is the last time I suppose.
Him : (pause for a long while) Yes.
She looked very sad and gently caressed the face of her ex-lover.
[How sad]

I asked for my bill. And so did the lady.

Her : I think we should have more wine.
Him : (shake head)
[A very last try. Sorry girl you are not my type, otherwise …]

Kind of a surprise that the lady paid the bill instead. At the end, she said “Thanks to my Mum”. They left the restaurant without holding hands or hugging each other.

Wilf @ Paris.

Hi people,

When I realized that I am suffered from Win95 Virtual Insanity, it’s already too late. No matter what, don’t use Win95 intensively. Please don’t be like me. I am at a point of no return and have buried myself in the madness of Virtual New Age. I hope this message will be taken seriously and I hope this message will prevent future generations, who are bright and young and virtually sane, from suffering Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Wilf’s Journal Summary from Day One …..

You know when you have used your computer plus Win95 for too long. (Just like me, I switch on my computer to check mail before I am even awake.)

[1] I woke up each morning, spending a couple of minutes, making sure that all my brain neurons are okay. Just like the message : Memory 32768 KB OK

[2] And now I suffer from the habit of deliberately clearing my throat before I get out of bed, making the noise of kark kark kaaaarrk. Just like the sound of the floppy and hard disk drive every time you boot up. Also when someone asks me to do something, I will go : kark kark kaaaarrk.

[3] And when I feel sick, perhaps a Virus Attack, I will turn my shelves and drawers upside down to look for the Norton Anti-virus Update. But in fact, the cold medicine is right there on the table.

[4] Occasionally, when I am doing some push-ups and my muscles fail to do so after a few up-and-down. I will swear to myself, “General Protection Fault (GPF) at “.

[5] When someone ask me something I don’t know, I will reply, “Host unreachable.”

[6] And when they ask me something I don’t have, I will reply, “File not found.”

[7] And when they ask me “Is it alright to go out with your girlfriend just for a day ?”. I will reply “Sharing Violation reading . Abort, Retry, Fail ?”

[8] And when they ask me to do something I don’t want to do, I will reply “Your command has performed an illegal operation. I have to shut you down. Please if problem persist.”

[9] And when they ask me my birthday or anything personal, I will demand a password.

[10] And when I found that there’s another man on my lover’s bed, I will just HANG and wait for a Ctl-Alt-Del command.

[11] Once in a while, I will meditate for an hour or two just to “defragment” my mind. And of course, I scan my neurons everyday to make sure that there is no bad sector.

[12] Whenever I am waiting, I see an illusion. There is an hour-glass right in front of me.

[13] Each night when I go to sleep, I see the message “Please wait while your brain shuts down”. And just like Win95, sometime it just hangs there. I guess in reality, that is called sleepless night. I know when my sleep is successful when I read “It is now safe to switch off your mind.”

[14] I begin to abuse the word “replicate” or “truncate”, or even “up/download”. Instead of asking “So, what have you been doing ?” I will say “Please replicate the database concerning your status”. Instead of saying “I beg your pardon ?”. I will ask “Message Truncated. Could you please refresh truncated document (F9) ?” And I will say “May I upload you with my idea” or “Please download your opinion to me, I am absolutely lost.”

[15] And when somebody is trying to bullshit me with all the nonsense, I will tell him/her that there is a compilation error, fatal error at you head.

[16] Every morning when I have to decide what to wear, I look into my control panel to browse my Microsoft Plus – Themes.

[17] I seems to be able to derive more excitement when my programs are working as compare to my relationship. Pure ecstasy.

[18] When they ask me my address, I will tell them : 128.AC.BeachRoad.19

[19] I begin to wonder whether my neurons are connected in token-ring or ethernet.

[20] Whenever I bought a new stationary, I will perform a proper procedure. First go into Control Panel. Select Add/Remove New Hardware. Select the driver needed for that new piece of stationary and then restart my brain.

[21] If I didn’t have a pleasant sleep, i.e. previously shutdown of my brain not properly done, I will begin the day with SAFE MODE.

You see, I am in total madness. Any consolation is welcome. By the way, I am not quite there yet. Wait till I wake up one day, scanning all my neurons, start singing “BEEP BEEP” and clear my throat “kark kark kaarrrk”, then I am truly insane (which is not far away).

I wish you all the best and please prevent yourself from suffering the Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Regards,
Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality