Mad Cow (1) – C’est Moi?

To those of you who do not having feelings towards cows, I urge you to escape and delete this message immediately for it will be a waste of your time and a waste of my effort. For those of you (Animal Lovers perhaps ?) who may care about what right do we have to slaughter the cows, you may like to take a look at this message. There will be no commitment. It is not a cult about cows. This is all about discovery. This is all about the meaning of life. This is all about … cows.

It was Thursday night when I had my dinner at my favorite American restaurant. Common sense said that most of the dishes would be beef. If not pepper steak, we have sirloin steak. If you do not fancy steak, we have burgers. If you end up in an American restaurant one day and find no beef in the menu, it must not be an American restaurant.

So I ordered pepper steak. Medium done. As I was consuming my piece of meat resting on a nice hot plate, blood oozing out with each cut I made. A very civilized way of eating, I doubt. My mind was drifting. Thinking of Mad Cow Disease made me doubt why the hell I ordered beef in the first place. And I was in deep thought about cows. Cows that were alive. Cows that you saw out in the farm. Cows that …

Suddenly, something hit me. My vision was blurred. My head was spinning. I wanted to throw up. A beacon. A call from far distance. An image and it disappeared so fast that I could not capture. My body was shaking when I called the bill and rushed back to my place, leaving my dinner unfinished.

And I had nightmares. Images worst than MTV. I saw cows. A lot of them and I screamed.

Funny enough I had recurrent nightmare on Friday night and I was certain that there was a beacon. I had a vision but I could not describe. It was somewhere that I must visit.

So I set off early on Saturday morning. Bought a train ticket to some rural place that I had never heard of. But I was following my instinct, or rather the beacon. There must be something waiting for me to be discovered.

A bright sunny day with some cool wind occasionally. Otherwise, everything was still. With the scent of grass and flower and the music of nature, I kept walking for half a day not knowing where I was heading. I wandered around and ended up into a huge, seemed to be abandon house. Well, not surprisingly that you found some places like this outside a small village.

“Hello, hello”, and I received no response. So I stepped in. The whole house was pretty empty and by the look of it, I would say it was indeed a very ancient house. Wooden walls, wooden furniture. When I turned around and stared at the walls. That shocked me. I virtually fell down onto the floor when I saw some “writings” engraved. I took out my notebook and started typing. It summarized as follows.
Seems to me that as we advance our technology, Cows do advance too. Although very slow, believe me, they do. What make us, the human beings, so successful ? As quoted from Stephan Hawking.
“For millions of years, mankind lived just like an animal. Then something happened, that unleashed our imagination, we began to talk.”

As for cows, they have acquired the skill of telepathic. (I am not lying ! Believe me, they do ! You really think I am insane, don’t you ? I AM NOT !) They communicate ! Just like we do. And surprisingly, they do have their language, very similar to English. They called it “Cowish”. So I doubt if the first telepathic cow was originated in England. As I was going through all the journals, I came across the following interesting conversation.

Cow A (Tall thin one) : Holy Cow ! (A greeting to each other. Similar to Good morning, Good afternoon and so on)

Cow B (Short fat one) : Holy Cow, our leader.

Cow A : Today is a very importaNt date in our Cow History. We should be awakeNed by the reality. (As you can image cow has a very strong cow accent)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow A : Over the past centuries, noNe of our cow-kind has realized that we were borN to be eateN. EveN our eyeballs becomes part of the biological experimeNt for the juNiors.

Cow B : What shall woc do ? (means we in English – check out the spelling)

Cow A : SomethiNg has to be doNe. Woc must all be Cow-War-D ! (Funny enough this has exactly the opposite meaning of the word – coward.)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow A : Now, you must listeN to what I am goiNg to Bull-Shit. (Cowish seems to use this word as – say or talk or express.)

Other Cows : Bull-Shit us ! Bull-Shit us !

Cow A : Our life should not be Cow-age by mankind. (Very unique Cowish grammar. They seem to replace the word ‘man’ with ‘cow’ whenever it is referring to their kind.)

Other Cows : Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng Nnnnng..

Cow B : Woc shall have WAR !

Cow A : NO !! Havent you read the “Animal Farm” ? Do you waNt to be like the Pigs ? Listen to my Bull-Shit. No, woc shall not rule but woc shall teach man a lessoN.

Other Cows : (Silence)

Cow B : But

Other Cows : Bull-Shit us ! Bull-Shit us !

:

OOPS, my battery seems need to be recharged. Anyway I will continue this in the next transmission. If you are fed up with Cows right now, its all right. I will not bother you with Cow-ssage anymore. The bottom message is that the next time you eat beef, think about the fact that cows do have a mind. If you got to this far and want to hear more about Cows, simply send me an Email saying that “Yes, I concern about Cows”. If not, there will be no more Cow-ssage for you.

To be continued ….

Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality

Coming Soon :-
A famous Cow Song – The Fools Garden seems to have copied this song and renamed it as “The Lemon Tree”.

Interesting Conversation Overheard

Today was a rainy day. Even snow in the south. After a long day work, I left the client place at 7:10pm (very late to French standard), jumped into the RER (that is the MRT) and got off somewhere near Arc de Triumphe, dashed into one of the nearest restaurant. One thing about the tables in France is, very small and people sit very very close to each other. There was a couple sat next to me and they spoke very strong American accent. Guess they are American. It is not my policy to listen to other people’s conversation but the lady spoke quite loud and I could not help it. The girl is a Class C Lady (see footnote 1) by the way.

They started with some business conversation and,
Her : ….. PC ……
Him : You mean Personal Computer ?
Her : No, it’s Political Correctness.
[Alright, so they are colleagues]

Before I ordered my food, they ordered before me. The man asked for House Wine and the waiter suggested Beaujolais (New wine, just come out last week. Still very young, 1996, and it tasted quite nice. Very fruity.)

Him : Is it the cheapest wine ?
[Cheapy, if you want to buy the lady a diner, you’ve got to forget about budget]

The salad arrived for them and suddenly the lady reached for her handbag and took out the pills. She took it with the wine.

Her : I better not forget ….
[Wow, what does that mean ? Telling your colleague that you are very environmental friendly and never use plastic ?]

My live clams (just for a change, having live oyster for too long) arrived and the lady looked at my clams.

Her : Yuck ! I can never image how people can manage it…..
Him : ….. culture ……
Her : Still, it’s impossible ….
[So sister, it’s the French culture indeed. Here is not America my friend. After all, how did pre-historic human beings coped before God set the forest on fire with the first lightning ? It’s good and it’s healthy. Leave me alone !]

The man poured wine into the lady’s glass.

Her : So, you are trying to get me drunk.
Him : (quiet)
Her : I still remember the first time when we got drunk with wine.
[So, that’s how everything started ? Got drunk and em ?]

The lady posed a “kiss me” gesture and the man kissed her on the lips.
[Ah, and they are not colleague after all]

Her : So what are you going to do tonight ?
[The lady made the first move. They are not colleague but are they lover ?]

Her : Just imagine that one day I have a wedding in Paris and You have a wedding in Paris as well, what will we do ?
[You mean you guys will bang each other ? Does that mean you are not lovers right now ?]

I finished my clams and my main course arrived.

Her : I am a nice girl ….. not with any one I know … personal …… sexual …
[Oh wait a minute, definitely it doesn’t look like they are lover, does it ? A very daring and desperate attempt.]

The lady posed yet another “kiss me” gesture but this time the man refused to kiss her.
[Doesn’t look good, does it ? Guess your chance of having fun tonight is 50-50]

Her : I do not get jealous ….
[So you guys did break up and haven’t seem each other for a while. Now I begin to see the picture]

I finished my main course and asked for my coffee. The lady seemed to be quite unhappy.

Her : So, this is the last time I suppose.
Him : (pause for a long while) Yes.
She looked very sad and gently caressed the face of her ex-lover.
[How sad]

I asked for my bill. And so did the lady.

Her : I think we should have more wine.
Him : (shake head)
[A very last try. Sorry girl you are not my type, otherwise …]

Kind of a surprise that the lady paid the bill instead. At the end, she said “Thanks to my Mum”. They left the restaurant without holding hands or hugging each other.

Wilf @ Paris.

Win95 Insanity

Hi people,

When I realized that I am suffered from Win95 Virtual Insanity, it’s already too late. No matter what, don’t use Win95 intensively. Please don’t be like me. I am at a point of no return and have buried myself in the madness of Virtual New Age. I hope this message will be taken seriously and I hope this message will prevent future generations, who are bright and young and virtually sane, from suffering Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Wilf’s Journal Summary from Day One …..

You know when you have used your computer plus Win95 for too long. (Just like me, I switch on my computer to check mail before I am even awake.)

[1] I woke up each morning, spending a couple of minutes, making sure that all my brain neurons are okay. Just like the message : Memory 32768 KB OK

[2] And now I suffer from the habit of deliberately clearing my throat before I get out of bed, making the noise of kark kark kaaaarrk. Just like the sound of the floppy and hard disk drive every time you boot up. Also when someone asks me to do something, I will go : kark kark kaaaarrk.

[3] And when I feel sick, perhaps a Virus Attack, I will turn my shelves and drawers upside down to look for the Norton Anti-virus Update. But in fact, the cold medicine is right there on the table.

[4] Occasionally, when I am doing some push-ups and my muscles fail to do so after a few up-and-down. I will swear to myself, “General Protection Fault (GPF) at “.

[5] When someone ask me something I don’t know, I will reply, “Host unreachable.”

[6] And when they ask me something I don’t have, I will reply, “File not found.”

[7] And when they ask me “Is it alright to go out with your girlfriend just for a day ?”. I will reply “Sharing Violation reading . Abort, Retry, Fail ?”

[8] And when they ask me to do something I don’t want to do, I will reply “Your command has performed an illegal operation. I have to shut you down. Please if problem persist.”

[9] And when they ask me my birthday or anything personal, I will demand a password.

[10] And when I found that there’s another man on my lover’s bed, I will just HANG and wait for a Ctl-Alt-Del command.

[11] Once in a while, I will meditate for an hour or two just to “defragment” my mind. And of course, I scan my neurons everyday to make sure that there is no bad sector.

[12] Whenever I am waiting, I see an illusion. There is an hour-glass right in front of me.

[13] Each night when I go to sleep, I see the message “Please wait while your brain shuts down”. And just like Win95, sometime it just hangs there. I guess in reality, that is called sleepless night. I know when my sleep is successful when I read “It is now safe to switch off your mind.”

[14] I begin to abuse the word “replicate” or “truncate”, or even “up/download”. Instead of asking “So, what have you been doing ?” I will say “Please replicate the database concerning your status”. Instead of saying “I beg your pardon ?”. I will ask “Message Truncated. Could you please refresh truncated document (F9) ?” And I will say “May I upload you with my idea” or “Please download your opinion to me, I am absolutely lost.”

[15] And when somebody is trying to bullshit me with all the nonsense, I will tell him/her that there is a compilation error, fatal error at you head.

[16] Every morning when I have to decide what to wear, I look into my control panel to browse my Microsoft Plus – Themes.

[17] I seems to be able to derive more excitement when my programs are working as compare to my relationship. Pure ecstasy.

[18] When they ask me my address, I will tell them : 128.AC.BeachRoad.19

[19] I begin to wonder whether my neurons are connected in token-ring or ethernet.

[20] Whenever I bought a new stationary, I will perform a proper procedure. First go into Control Panel. Select Add/Remove New Hardware. Select the driver needed for that new piece of stationary and then restart my brain.

[21] If I didn’t have a pleasant sleep, i.e. previously shutdown of my brain not properly done, I will begin the day with SAFE MODE.

You see, I am in total madness. Any consolation is welcome. By the way, I am not quite there yet. Wait till I wake up one day, scanning all my neurons, start singing “BEEP BEEP” and clear my throat “kark kark kaarrrk”, then I am truly insane (which is not far away).

I wish you all the best and please prevent yourself from suffering the Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Regards,
Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality