This morning, one of my songs kept on playing in my head. The song title is Addictively Beautiful. Part of the lyrics go something like:
You live to have that last danceExcerpt from my song #133 titled Addictively Beautiful written on Oct 26th, 2005
You live to have that last kiss
You live to see that last smile
So addictively beautiful
The beauty of having more than 160 songs written by myself is that this collection of songs is very much customized to who I am. Some are inspired by my then observation. Some are derived from my experience, which not surprisingly, history often repeats itself. Because it is who I am. Some are prophetic, that is, songs that were written in the past that somewhat accurately predict the future. Some are just so random. This collection is often relevant, timeless.
Today I am on leave. Another day of reflection. A day of melancholy. I can’t help but think of all the ‘lasts’. The last time I saw that someone. The last time I saw that smile. The last time we had that hug. And the last time I had that kiss.
I thought of the last time I saw my distant cousin in Paris, many, many years ago. I was young. She was older. It was a train station. Or it could have been Metro. She waved at me, with a bitter smile. The long black coat she was wearing. I waved back at her. I was on my way to Montreal, Canada. Through the intervention of my families in Canada and France, my distant cousin and I did not manage to meet after that sent off. We wrote, snail mails. I have not heard from her since then. For someone who has sacrificed her youth and marriage in order to take care of her parents as in, her parents forbid her to get married – is so unfair. But it was her decision. After all, we adults make decisions. And we adults live with the consequences.
Till today, I would go back to that scene from time to time. I would not have known that was the last time I see her. Had I known, what would I have done differently?
When I left Oxford after my graduation heading to Singapore for my career, it was an interesting time. Hong Kong returned to China that year. But I have long decided to leave Hong Kong to follow my heart to the one I loved. She left the UK months before me because I stayed back to cycle with my then-bestie-turned-not-bestie from Oxford to Edinburgh camping along the way.
And when I left Oxford that morning, at the bus station, another of my bestie Toby turned up and sent me off. I was in my brown leather jacket and he was in his black one. Back then, we were kids. We tried to look cool. He put gel onto his hair. Clean look. I just didn’t care about mine. I was alone and he was there. Gosh, till today, I still miss him. How would I know that the next time I visited Oxford was 24 years later? But we have lost touch. You would have thought through social media, we would have reconnected. But nope. Nada. That was the last time I saw his face. Had I known, what would I have done differently?
The list goes on.
The answer is … nothing.
Unless, I treat every moment as if it was the last. And I should. I will. I am.
It’s so lonely, me without youExcerpt from Lucia’s Without You
I’m so lonely, on a night without anyone
Only holding onto lonely memories
Every day, I’m waiting for you
It is a soundtrack for a Korean drama The Bride of Habaek. I truly adore the Korean actress Shin Se-kyung. More often than not, females in Korea dramas portrait as the weaker ones, who need men. But Shin Se-kyung’s TV-series often are the opposite. Like Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung. She has a YouTube channel too. Her voice is so soothing.